I Guess It's Time

I am going to have a baby. For a long time I have wanted to share... and for some reason have not been able to here. I don't know why... facebook was easy. People in real life, hard - but not impossible. But to write it here seemed to be too much.

Why?

Several reasons, I think. First - because this pregnancy started off so tentatively. I began with a very low Beta (a level of 10 at 15dpt). I wasn't sure if it would be a viable pregnancy. I thought I had better wait before putting it on here. For some reason, facebook seems more transient - things come and go and more things get added and then you don't see the stuff from two days ago... you know what I mean? But to write the words on my blog feels much more permanent.

I also felt like if I believed it, then I would jinx it. Crazy, huh? If I say it out loud, too many times then it will disappear?

And I have lost a baby before... I figured that I had better wait till I got past that point...

And I really should see the heartbeat first - that would be a good idea...

Or make it to the twelve week mark, that makes sense, right?

But then all of those things happened and it was still hard to write it on here....

Maybe because I know so many of the people who I love and care about in the blogging world have tried so hard, just as I have, to fulfill the dream of having a baby. And I feel sadness that we are not all able to type these words. Maybe I have survivors guilt...

But there it is. After TEN long years of trying... dozens upon dozens of IUI's, a failed IVF, 20-some foster kids, a failed adoption... I am going to have a baby. And I could not be more thankful to God for all of his kindess and for knowing how and when this baby should enter my life. : )